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The #IAmWhole Project | Julia's Story

June 26, 2017

 Julia graciously shares her painful walk through infertility treatments in her moving story. Read on to gain just a little bit of understanding and to hear about some of the ways that she copes with her experiences.


When I first sat down to write my story, I was overanalyzing the possibility of being pregnant. This wasn’t a panicked analysis, but rather an agonizingly hopeful one. A few days later, I didn’t get the positive test result that I was hoping for. Instead, I got painful cysts. Fun, right? The pain from the cysts distracted me from the emotional pain of not getting pregnant.


When I was an adolescent, I read an article in the classic Seventeen magazine. At the time, I didn’t know that this true life article topic would have a tremendous impact on me later on. The topic? PCOS, or poly cystic ovarian syndrome. I read the article and something resonated with me, so I showed it to my mom. She brushed it off, saying that I didn’t have the textbook symptoms x, y, or z. I begrudgingly agreed that she was probably right, and that was that. It wasn’t until about two years into trying to get pregnant that I learned that I did indeed have PCOS. Basically with PCOS, you don’t ovulate on your own, and need prescription drugs in order to ovulate. Some women are lucky enough to only need a pill called Clomid to ovulate. I’m not one of those women. For me to ovulate, it takes two daily injections of some pretty powerful hormones.


I can’t count the number of times that I’ve watched FRIENDS. It’s an iconic tv show for me. Always my go-to tv show, until stuff hits way too close to home in season 10. Skip this next paragraph to avoid spoilers.


So Monica and Chandler have fertility issues, and they turn to adoption and meet up with the potential birth mother, and then there’s a classic sitcom mixup/misunderstanding. Chandler has this incredibly moving scene with the birth mother to urge her to still consider them despite the mixup and deception. Grab your tissues. I’ll wait. Here’s what Chandler says: “My wife’s an incredible woman. She’s loving and devoted and caring. And don’t tell her I said this, but the woman’s always right... I love my wife more than anything in this world. And I… It kills me that I can’t give her a baby… I really want a kid. And when that day finally comes, I’ll learn to be a good dad. But my wife…she’s already there. She’s a mother…without a baby…”


I bawl every. single. time.

Because that’s how I feel. Like a mother without a baby.


For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to be a mom.

That’s all I wanted to be when I grew up. Sometimes I said I wanted to be a teacher. When you’re that young, “teacher” is pretty much synonymous with “mom”. Most of my childhood photos show me taking care of a baby doll, or a stuffed animal that I would feed and change. Every picture, I’m supporting that doll or stuffed animal’s head to a ridiculous degree because I knew even at two years at old that you had to support a baby’s delicate head.


Even though I feel like a mother without a baby, I am whole.

A little over a year ago, I was in a pretty hefty depression. My best friend is extremely hippy and very strongly suggested that I go to the local health and wellness fair with her. I went, and discovered that a Pure Barre had finally opened up locally. Pure Barre is a 55 minute full-body fitness class in a studio that concentrates on the areas women struggle with the most, such as your hips, thighs, abs, arms and butt. The concentration needed while taking Pure Barre allows you to block out your issues for the hour, creating the mental benefits similarly obtained by the practice of yoga or meditation. Through this exercise regimen, I have met some of the kindest ladies and they’ve been added to my support system.


I love the fact that I can forget about my fertility issues for at least an hour and leave the studio feeling healthier, empowered and ready to take on the world. With my family, my newfound love for Pure Barre, and the Lord, I AM WHOLE.


Do you have an encouraging word for Julia or anyone else who may be reading this post? Share it with us in the comments section below!

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